Dangerous Love: A Mother’s Day Confession

There are things I’ve contemplated sharing for the past ten months. Things I thought, felt and experienced during a time when the title “mommy” stretched me further than I was really okay with. I’ve prayed about sharing, wondering if there were friends, mommas, daddies that needed to hear my heart. And it’s finally time. And it’s conveniently two days before Mother’s Day.

The refining process is not easy and it’s not over. Especially when you find out that your heart issue is standing in the way of redemption. When Lola became our daughter Lola wasn’t ready to be part of a family. She wanted it, but the transition is harder than little hearts can ever imagine. In addition to being an “older child” Lola has a severe vision impairment. She has a lot to overcome.

We launched into a very hard year. I watched my other 3 children experience hurt and anxiety as we tried desperately to curb Lola’s extreme raging. She got all of us, our energy, our time… or so I thought. I was hurting so badly and honestly if one more person told me how cute she was I thought I might actually punch them in the face. We tried everything and anything under the sun. Read the books, did the therapy, went to Vanderbilt. We had one late night conversation where Calvin and I wondered out loud why we were chosen, even questioning if God got it wrong. Those are dark moments. It’s hard to watch your children who seemed well adjusted launch into anxiety attacks and night terrors. I started to think my calling was hurting them.

But in the morning, which is promised to bring Joy. God impressed truth into my heart. Like mighty, refreshing wind God spoke and my mind was filled with truth.  They aren’t yours, they are mine! They are part of this redemption. They will not be lost. They are loved. They cannot be sheltered from pain, that’s not your job! Teach them to love like me! You are not salvation, I am! Look for me and teach them to look for me too! They will grow up knowing life is not good but I AM!

I surrender. In my imperfection I surrender. In my desire to control and fix and perfect I surrender.

There was freedom in surrender. And with that came the freedom to give Lola all of me. I mentioned above that Lola was getting all of us. I believed that lie for approximately 8 months. And the reality hit me so hard and fast that I could barely stand the weight of my heart-breaking position in her life.

I was so consumed with her hurtful behavior toward me that I closed off a little piece of my heart. I protected it, saved it for the other 3 who wanted to cuddle and could make it through Target without tearing everything off a shelf.

For Lola and I to succeed as Mother and daughter I had to open up that closed door. I had to let her hurt me like a daughter can hurt a mom. When that door is closed, when you protect your heart it doesn’t hurt when your child lashes out at you. It was time to be hurt and hurt with her because that’s what she deserves. Who am I to try to feel safe and warm and fuzzy? Who am I to try to protect myself from my child, my daughter.

So I opened my heart to all the dangerous love.

It’s been about 2 months since that dangerous love started taking place. Did it magically solve the things we struggle with? No. But do I see a change? Yes. Children know when you don’t give them full and complete love. They know how to spot the imposters. They are smart and wonderful and worth it. And they will call you out. Maybe not verbally, but in body language and actions they will CALL YOU OUT.

Healing and redemption are coming. Little by little. And it wasn’t up to Lola to engage this change. It was up to Calvin and I as her parents. To trust God, to trust our hearts and to trust the HIGH calling God has given us as parents. When I think about the family I’ve been given I can’t help but feel so inadequate, so undeserving of this challenge. Why did you trust me to get this right God??

And then I hear that whisper that becomes a roar. You aren’t going to get it all right, but if you take the wisdom and guidance I provide in abundance I will walk with you and I will Lead you and in THAT you will find success.

HoFamily80

About the author

Erica

Erica is an advocate for simplicity, family time, making a cozy home and loving others well. She is the community coordinator for One Orphan, the orphan care ministry of America World Adoption Association. Erica and Calvin have four young children; Elliott, Charlotte, Lola and Liam. They currently reside in Nashville, TN.

5 Comments

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  • I love this on so many levels, thanks for sharing your heart. From a momma…who didn’t have instant attachment, who grieved over the calm that once was, who struggled for all of the first year to be okay with the new normal, who’s child was just like yours…full of anger and lashing out, who struggled when everyone said how precious she was, etc etc the list goes on. I watched a million gotcha day videos and blog posts and I am thankful for all of the happy beautiful moments that people share to inspire and encourage others towards adoption but I am equally or more grateful for the raw honest words from those who struggle and push through. I have often struggled with the ‘why’ as well, wondering why so many kids come home and just do so wonderfully, so quickly, and why our house was so different, what is wrong with me and why can’t I make it happen? The struggles and discouragements over the first months were strangling me. My husband would often remind me that God called us to this and though it hasn’t been a storybook experience, He has equipped us each day. I had a similar breakthrough as you when Emma finally learned how to cry. Strange but true…when she learned to use emotion instead of the same ear piercing shriek for everything, it clicked with me that she just didn’t know how to differentiate between the big and the small issues in life. A barrier lifted in my heart and allowed me to love with my heart and emotion and not just my hands going through the motions. Thanks for sharing! Blessings on you today as you love on your littles!

  • As always I am deeply touched by your heart and your transparency. We parents need to hear the “real” and not just the warm and fuzzy. Being a parent is hard no matter how we were blessed to become one. Thank you for sharing and for always being so “real”.

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