There are things I’ve contemplated sharing for the past ten months. Things I thought, felt and experienced during a time when the title “mommy” stretched me further than I was really okay with. I’ve prayed about sharing, wondering if there were friends, mommas, daddies that needed to hear my heart. And it’s finally time. And it’s conveniently two days before Mother’s Day.
The refining process is not easy and it’s not over. Especially when you find out that your heart issue is standing in the way of redemption. When Lola became our daughter Lola wasn’t ready to be part of a family. She wanted it, but the transition is harder than little hearts can ever imagine. In addition to being an “older child” Lola has a severe vision impairment. She has a lot to overcome.
We launched into a very hard year. I watched my other 3 children experience hurt and anxiety as we tried desperately to curb Lola’s extreme raging. She got all of us, our energy, our time… or so I thought. I was hurting so badly and honestly if one more person told me how cute she was I thought I might actually punch them in the face. We tried everything and anything under the sun. Read the books, did the therapy, went to Vanderbilt. We had one late night conversation where Calvin and I wondered out loud why we were chosen, even questioning if God got it wrong. Those are dark moments. It’s hard to watch your children who seemed well adjusted launch into anxiety attacks and night terrors. I started to think my calling was hurting them.
But in the morning, which is promised to bring Joy. God impressed truth into my heart. Like mighty, refreshing wind God spoke and my mind was filled with truth. They aren’t yours, they are mine! They are part of this redemption. They will not be lost. They are loved. They cannot be sheltered from pain, that’s not your job! Teach them to love like me! You are not salvation, I am! Look for me and teach them to look for me too! They will grow up knowing life is not good but I AM!
I surrender. In my imperfection I surrender. In my desire to control and fix and perfect I surrender.
There was freedom in surrender. And with that came the freedom to give Lola all of me. I mentioned above that Lola was getting all of us. I believed that lie for approximately 8 months. And the reality hit me so hard and fast that I could barely stand the weight of my heart-breaking position in her life.
I was so consumed with her hurtful behavior toward me that I closed off a little piece of my heart. I protected it, saved it for the other 3 who wanted to cuddle and could make it through Target without tearing everything off a shelf.
For Lola and I to succeed as Mother and daughter I had to open up that closed door. I had to let her hurt me like a daughter can hurt a mom. When that door is closed, when you protect your heart it doesn’t hurt when your child lashes out at you. It was time to be hurt and hurt with her because that’s what she deserves. Who am I to try to feel safe and warm and fuzzy? Who am I to try to protect myself from my child, my daughter.
So I opened my heart to all the dangerous love.
It’s been about 2 months since that dangerous love started taking place. Did it magically solve the things we struggle with? No. But do I see a change? Yes. Children know when you don’t give them full and complete love. They know how to spot the imposters. They are smart and wonderful and worth it. And they will call you out. Maybe not verbally, but in body language and actions they will CALL YOU OUT.
Healing and redemption are coming. Little by little. And it wasn’t up to Lola to engage this change. It was up to Calvin and I as her parents. To trust God, to trust our hearts and to trust the HIGH calling God has given us as parents. When I think about the family I’ve been given I can’t help but feel so inadequate, so undeserving of this challenge. Why did you trust me to get this right God??
And then I hear that whisper that becomes a roar. You aren’t going to get it all right, but if you take the wisdom and guidance I provide in abundance I will walk with you and I will Lead you and in THAT you will find success.